Let’s talk today about “dirty” art. That is, let’s talk about it so long as we don’t use “dirty” words, which is to say we have to talk about “dirty” things using “clean” words. Read on and you’ll see what I mean, but please forgive the use of the words “nude” and “nudes” in what follows.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you were given “nice” words to use when referring to body parts and bodily functions?  Euphemisms just make things seem so much more civilized, and we are a civilized people.  Who better than to remind us of that than some knuckleheads in Texas putting together the Republican platform positions they will propose at the National Convention later in the year.

A story from the Dallas Morning News reported of discussion had last week on one of the most offensive aspects of Washington, D.C. discovered on a recent visit by a speaker at the platform committee meeting.  No, those of you who might have guessed leaking the name of a CIA operative, or engaging in deception in the run up to the Iraq invasion, or government corruption, or the lack of US port security, or any number of other things – - there’s no winner there.

Instead, and I say this delicately, the issue has to do with the public display of body parts.  You know which body parts I mean, too.  A member of the platform committee had recently visited the nation’s capital, and was so taken aback by what he saw that he felt compelled to seek reform measures through the state GOP’s platform recommendations.  Let’s see what offended him so much.

From the Dallas Morning News report:  “Nude women, sculptured women,” he told the state Republican platform committee, which sat in rapt attention.”  He had statistics to back him up on this, too:  he had heard that 20% of the art in the National Gallery of Art is of nudes.  He shared with the group that the Arlington Memorial Bridge has two Lady Godivas on it, ” two women on horses with no shirt on and long hair,” the news article went on to say.  Never mind they are classical sculptures representing two aspects of war – -  Valor and Sacrifice.

I’m no artist, and I am no art critic.  I do have a sculpture given me by my brother, who does know considerably about art (a degree holder, in fact), and it is a nude in repose, clay medium.  I also know some of the most famous names in art when it comes to nudes:  Degas, Manet, Rubens, Cezanne, Renoir, Gauguin, Rodin, Toulouse-Lautrec.  Perhaps the most famous sculpture in the world is Michelangelo’s Statue of David, and you can see everything on him.  However, one would be hard-pressed to suggest any of these artists had the stirring of prurient interests in mind when they created their bodies of work, so to speak.

Now it might be easy to understand one person taking offense at what is considered by so very many to be fine art.  But, in this instance, the group was reported to be held in “rapt attention” to the cry about classical sculptures with “no shirt on and long hair,”  so there has to be something to it.

We can’t have private parts everywhere we look, like art museums and public sculptures all willy nilly.  It just makes folk feel all tingly and uncomfortable.  It got me to wondering, though, what euphemisms those folks teach their younglings these days so as to avoid the use of dirty words.

Is it tallywhacker, schlong, unit, wee-wee or Mr. Wiggly?  How about Johnson, tube steak or baloney pony?  Any one of those would probably be considered preferrable to, well . . . . and that’s just the boys.

Clearing out all the nudes from Washington might not cure all of its ills and ailments, but it might make us a bit more civilized, and I think that is the point the committee was trying to make. It may very well be time for that discussion among adults everywhere, too.  But, somehow I don’t think I’ll be invited to participate.  Penis.